mymetallicblues
MindSay Quick Update /
I am thinking I was a smidgen overdramatic. Im not in a black hole of doom.
Just blah
I've got a million thoughts buzzing around in my head and no one to talk to them about. So I thought I could come on here and spew them all out and see if it makes me feel any better. I don't care if no one reads them or if everyone does and comments. I just need to get them out.
I'm feeling sick. Woke up with a headache and a sore chest and feeling like complete crap. I realised as I was lying in bed, too achy to move despite having to pee that times like this being single sucks. I can't ask my partner to get me panadol and a drink of water. I've got to get my sorry ass out of bed and get it myself. I can't ask them to run to the store when I discover I don't have any panadol and the juice ran out last week, I've got to do it myself. Which is gonna be fun considering I'm dizzy just walking to the bathroom.
Which made me realise I don't actually feel like I have anyone I can rely on. I know I can rely on my Dad and StepMum but they live 2 hours drive away. I spose I could rely on my ex but he can barely look after himself, let alone help me out. I have friends and I have family but I'd just feel like I was bothering them.
Which made me realise I don't have a best friend. Surely if I did I could rely on him/her no matter what. I've had them in the past, they've come and gone, changed as relationships do but no one physically here who is my best friend and I can rely on no matter what. No one to run me to the grcoery store coz I feel like crap and my damn car is broken. No one to hug me when I'm feeling down and tired and just blah.
Which made me realise I want a hug. Not just a 2 second "nice to see you again" hug. I want a "lie beside each other all night, wrapped up in each others arms naked" hug.
I said in my last post that I don't need a relationship, that a vibrator works just fine. I'm full of crap. I cant hug a vibrator. I can't tell a vibrator how I'm feeling and have it sympathise with me or comfort me. I can't stay warm by hugging it at night. I can't borrow money off it to fix my car. Vibrators can only do so much and I'm at the limit of mine.
How do I even go about finding someone else to be in a relationship with? I don't like going to bars or clubs, they just make me feel like crap. All my self esteem issues ocme up and I feel like I'm being judged or laughed at. I can't have fun when I'm being paranoid about whats being thought about me. You'd think at 26 I'd be over it but I'm not. I'm in the process of learning to love myself but I'm not there yet. I still rely too heavily on other peoples opinions of me. I'm better than I was but I still feel like crap in a bar/club situation. So what does that leave? Work? Yeah right. I work with females and I can't see it working out too well to date one of the fathers of the kids I teach. Its probably unethical and I'll get into trouble. I spose I could look more seriously at the dating website I joined for fun. But I can't see anything awesome happening off there. It seems to be full of horny men wanting hookups.
Im just over it. Im over being alone and being single and not having the life I thought I'd have at 26. I'm supposed to be happily married with a child or expecting one. I cried so much on Mothers Day because I feel like I've missed my chance. I'm never going to get another one. I honestly feel like I was born to be a Mother. I'm happy with my career and my degree and things. But Id also love to be a stay at home Mum. Looking after my children and caring for them while my partner works. I know thats not very forward thinking of me. That I'm living in the 60s or something for wanting that. But I do. More than anything.
I see the children who come to my daycare. dropped off at 7am and picked up at 6pm. They spend their days with me and the other staff. They're woken up and maybe dressed, brought to us. We give them breakfast, spend the day with them. Then they probably fall asleep on the way home in the car and they're put to bed on returning home. How much quality time do you think their parents are spending with them? I know I sound judgemental and I completely understand that some people have to work. Its their reality but I still wonder how it will affect these kids.
I'm just blah and crap and tired and sad and just blah. I know I need to pick myself up out of the black hole of doom I'm in but I can't seem to find the way out. I think I was catapulted into here and theres no escape.
I'm feeling sick. Woke up with a headache and a sore chest and feeling like complete crap. I realised as I was lying in bed, too achy to move despite having to pee that times like this being single sucks. I can't ask my partner to get me panadol and a drink of water. I've got to get my sorry ass out of bed and get it myself. I can't ask them to run to the store when I discover I don't have any panadol and the juice ran out last week, I've got to do it myself. Which is gonna be fun considering I'm dizzy just walking to the bathroom.
Which made me realise I don't actually feel like I have anyone I can rely on. I know I can rely on my Dad and StepMum but they live 2 hours drive away. I spose I could rely on my ex but he can barely look after himself, let alone help me out. I have friends and I have family but I'd just feel like I was bothering them.
Which made me realise I don't have a best friend. Surely if I did I could rely on him/her no matter what. I've had them in the past, they've come and gone, changed as relationships do but no one physically here who is my best friend and I can rely on no matter what. No one to run me to the grcoery store coz I feel like crap and my damn car is broken. No one to hug me when I'm feeling down and tired and just blah.
Which made me realise I want a hug. Not just a 2 second "nice to see you again" hug. I want a "lie beside each other all night, wrapped up in each others arms naked" hug.
I said in my last post that I don't need a relationship, that a vibrator works just fine. I'm full of crap. I cant hug a vibrator. I can't tell a vibrator how I'm feeling and have it sympathise with me or comfort me. I can't stay warm by hugging it at night. I can't borrow money off it to fix my car. Vibrators can only do so much and I'm at the limit of mine.
How do I even go about finding someone else to be in a relationship with? I don't like going to bars or clubs, they just make me feel like crap. All my self esteem issues ocme up and I feel like I'm being judged or laughed at. I can't have fun when I'm being paranoid about whats being thought about me. You'd think at 26 I'd be over it but I'm not. I'm in the process of learning to love myself but I'm not there yet. I still rely too heavily on other peoples opinions of me. I'm better than I was but I still feel like crap in a bar/club situation. So what does that leave? Work? Yeah right. I work with females and I can't see it working out too well to date one of the fathers of the kids I teach. Its probably unethical and I'll get into trouble. I spose I could look more seriously at the dating website I joined for fun. But I can't see anything awesome happening off there. It seems to be full of horny men wanting hookups.
Im just over it. Im over being alone and being single and not having the life I thought I'd have at 26. I'm supposed to be happily married with a child or expecting one. I cried so much on Mothers Day because I feel like I've missed my chance. I'm never going to get another one. I honestly feel like I was born to be a Mother. I'm happy with my career and my degree and things. But Id also love to be a stay at home Mum. Looking after my children and caring for them while my partner works. I know thats not very forward thinking of me. That I'm living in the 60s or something for wanting that. But I do. More than anything.
I see the children who come to my daycare. dropped off at 7am and picked up at 6pm. They spend their days with me and the other staff. They're woken up and maybe dressed, brought to us. We give them breakfast, spend the day with them. Then they probably fall asleep on the way home in the car and they're put to bed on returning home. How much quality time do you think their parents are spending with them? I know I sound judgemental and I completely understand that some people have to work. Its their reality but I still wonder how it will affect these kids.
I'm just blah and crap and tired and sad and just blah. I know I need to pick myself up out of the black hole of doom I'm in but I can't seem to find the way out. I think I was catapulted into here and theres no escape.
workHi Everyone.
Its been a while since I actually wrote something and I wondered about writing an update on me and my life. But then I thought, who would actually read it and care? lol I dont know too many people on here, so I thought whats the point. Which is also a lot to do with why I havent written in a while.
I resigned from my job last week, I had to give 2 weeks so I'm officially finishing next Wednesday. But today I woke up, crying my eyes and realised I can't do this. So I'm hopefully going to go to the doctors to get a medical certificate so I can get out off on sick leave.
I adore my apartment and have loved living alone. I realised how much when a friend asked if I wanted to move in with her and I instantly thought "No thanks!" lol I guess this isn't as awful as I thought it might be. The only thing I havent liked is that I have to work. I know that sounds silly but when I've been feeling so run down and stressed I've missed being able to go "oh, hubbys paycheck will pick up the slack, theres no pressure" and getting to stay home. But thats alright. I knew that would be the case and I've gotten through it.
I miss the couple side of things, mainly affection and sex and stuff. But I can get on without it, thats why vibrators were invented! lol
Its been a while since I actually wrote something and I wondered about writing an update on me and my life. But then I thought, who would actually read it and care? lol I dont know too many people on here, so I thought whats the point. Which is also a lot to do with why I havent written in a while.
I resigned from my job last week, I had to give 2 weeks so I'm officially finishing next Wednesday. But today I woke up, crying my eyes and realised I can't do this. So I'm hopefully going to go to the doctors to get a medical certificate so I can get out off on sick leave.
I adore my apartment and have loved living alone. I realised how much when a friend asked if I wanted to move in with her and I instantly thought "No thanks!" lol I guess this isn't as awful as I thought it might be. The only thing I havent liked is that I have to work. I know that sounds silly but when I've been feeling so run down and stressed I've missed being able to go "oh, hubbys paycheck will pick up the slack, theres no pressure" and getting to stay home. But thats alright. I knew that would be the case and I've gotten through it.
I miss the couple side of things, mainly affection and sex and stuff. But I can get on without it, thats why vibrators were invented! lol
Thank you, I think its cool! I've written a couple of stories, two to be precise and I've submitted them to a website. They're out there for everyone to read. Both stories were inspired by people, were actually emails I sent to brighten someones day. Maybe Im an attention whore or maybe I havent posted in a while and therefore have little to say, but I thought I'd put one here, so here goes...
Having just woken up after a mid afternoon nap I walk through the apartment to get a drink. I'm dressed in my customary sleep attire; one of your t-shirts and nothing more. I smile as I lean back against the kitchen bench, recounting the deliciously erotic dream you'd been starring in as I napped. I feel a tingle of arousal spread through my body like a lightening bolt. It spikes off and teases my nipples, making them hard before finally pooling between my thighs to leave my sex feeling hot and damp with desire.
I glance up as I hear your key in the door, then the distinctive sound of the door opening and closing. Your keys clattering onto the hall table is the next sound followed by your bag landing on the floor near the table. I know the first thing you'll do is look for me, quietly moving through our apartment because when you left I told you I'd be napping. I bite my lip as I feel my hardened nipples brush against your t-shirt sending shivers through me. The arousal I'm feeling from the dream won't be denied and you're about to be the recipient of it.
I hear you go into our bedroom; probably thinking you'll be able to wake me up from my nap in one of your usual delicious ways. Not today, I'm already awake and intend to be the one surprising you with something delicious. I know the next place you'll look will be here so I stand to the side, out of your view when you first walk in. My hands itch to touch you as my mind runs over the many options for what I could do next. Why plan it out? I know as soon as you get involved we'll end up where I want. Orgasming intensely together in that way that only you can make happen. That way that leaves me spinning out of control, spiralling through the stars and around the moon until I'm crashing back to earth to lie breathless in your arms.
You walk in and before you've properly stepped into the room I grab your t-shirt and push you against the wall. As soon as your back hits the wall I slide my hands into your hair and kiss your mouth. Its not a soft kiss, nor is it tender or teasing. This kiss reflects how I'm feeling right now. It's aggressive, hard and undeniably passionate. The sound of surprise you make is lost in my lips as I kiss you, my tongue stroking over your lips before dipping into your mouth to further assault your body.
I tingle as you growl with pleasure, that growl that always makes me so wet, so aroused. Your hands mimic mine and slide into my hair, as if you think I might move my head away. Well not today, not here and definitely not now. I want you too much to stop. I press my body against yours, loving the contrast between hard plains and soft curves. Moving my body sensuously against yours, sliding my torso, hips, thighs over yours. Feeling all those parts of you I know so well, the parts I've come to know as well as my own in the years we've been together.
My hands soon join in the caressing, moving over your body to begin to free you of your clothing. You growl again and I recognise that growl. It's the impatient one that tells me you need me here and now and nothing will get in the way. I stroke my hand over your zipper and realise you're rock hard, I give an answering growl to your own. Your lips slide from my own and move to my neck, kissing along my jaw to get there. I gasp as you bite me roughly, my fingernails digging into your hips as I feel those lightening bolts of arousal travelling through me once again.
You slowly back me into the kitchen table, so lost in kissing the teeth marks you've left on my neck that you only realise we're there when my ass hits it and I sit on the edge. The evidence of your arousal is unmistakable as you press your hips to mine. I can't help but grind back against the hardness digging into me, desperate to have you inside me and to have you fill me in the way only you can. You're obviously feeling just as urgently aroused because suddenly I'm naked and your shirt lies on the ground ripped down the front. Who'd have thought the sound of clothing ripping could be so arousing?
Before I've had the chance to form a coherent thought you've turned me around and bent me over the table. My breasts press against the cool wood and I begin to rub my nipples against it, enjoying the coolness in stark contrast to my heated skin. I hear your zipper lower and close my eyes as I anticipate your next move. You move closer and this time instead of denim rubbing against my ass I feel your skin. I arch my back, moving my thighs against yours but you're not having any of that.
You press one hand to the middle of my shoulders, gently pushing me back to lie on the table again. Your other hand is wrapped around your shaft I soon find out as you begin to caress the head of your cock over my sex, drawing circles over my clit with it. I moan as I writhe on the table, unable to do anything more as you gently press me to it. I reach my hands forward and grip the opposite edge of the table, fingers curled around it as I pant for breath.
"Please.. please I need you.." I whisper into the table, alternating between being on tiptoe then flatfooted as I try to move my hips against you to get what I want. Your control seems to slip and with another growl you line your cock up with my sex and thrust hard and fast into me. I arch my back, moaning in pleasure as I feel you all the way inside me. You begin to slide in and out of me, hard and fast so I feel my hips dig almost painfully into the edge of the table. The pleasure outweighs the pain as you begin to jackhammer into me, harder and faster until we're both panting and moaning together. The table slowly inches forward with each thrust and reminds me of how hot it sounds to hear the headboard on the wall as you fuck me this hard in bed.
I'm trying to hold back, trying to think of anything but this because it's too amazing to have it end. I should know better. You seem to know me, can read my mind and you growl into my ear "No holding back!" as your hand moves to caress my clit. My hips buck against yours as the orgasm I had barely been suppressing begins to boil up through my body. I close my eyes and moan, arching my back and pressing down onto your cock as if I could close the nonexistent gaps between our bodies.
Your growled "Fuck.." in my ear is the only signal before you orgasm and begin to spill inside me. I moan loudly as I orgasm also, the spasms of pleasure combining with the warmth of your release. I melt onto the table, lying there panting for breath. You fall on top of me and I savour your hot weight against me, the sound of you panting for breath in my ear as you trace kisses over my shoulder. I close my eyes and only move as you move us, curling my body around yours as you pull out a chair for you to sit on and bring me onto your lap. I nuzzle into your neck and whisper "Hmm.. love you always." Smiling as you whisper it back and hold me tightly to your body. This is home. This is where I belong. Any where you are.
Having just woken up after a mid afternoon nap I walk through the apartment to get a drink. I'm dressed in my customary sleep attire; one of your t-shirts and nothing more. I smile as I lean back against the kitchen bench, recounting the deliciously erotic dream you'd been starring in as I napped. I feel a tingle of arousal spread through my body like a lightening bolt. It spikes off and teases my nipples, making them hard before finally pooling between my thighs to leave my sex feeling hot and damp with desire.
I glance up as I hear your key in the door, then the distinctive sound of the door opening and closing. Your keys clattering onto the hall table is the next sound followed by your bag landing on the floor near the table. I know the first thing you'll do is look for me, quietly moving through our apartment because when you left I told you I'd be napping. I bite my lip as I feel my hardened nipples brush against your t-shirt sending shivers through me. The arousal I'm feeling from the dream won't be denied and you're about to be the recipient of it.
I hear you go into our bedroom; probably thinking you'll be able to wake me up from my nap in one of your usual delicious ways. Not today, I'm already awake and intend to be the one surprising you with something delicious. I know the next place you'll look will be here so I stand to the side, out of your view when you first walk in. My hands itch to touch you as my mind runs over the many options for what I could do next. Why plan it out? I know as soon as you get involved we'll end up where I want. Orgasming intensely together in that way that only you can make happen. That way that leaves me spinning out of control, spiralling through the stars and around the moon until I'm crashing back to earth to lie breathless in your arms.
You walk in and before you've properly stepped into the room I grab your t-shirt and push you against the wall. As soon as your back hits the wall I slide my hands into your hair and kiss your mouth. Its not a soft kiss, nor is it tender or teasing. This kiss reflects how I'm feeling right now. It's aggressive, hard and undeniably passionate. The sound of surprise you make is lost in my lips as I kiss you, my tongue stroking over your lips before dipping into your mouth to further assault your body.
I tingle as you growl with pleasure, that growl that always makes me so wet, so aroused. Your hands mimic mine and slide into my hair, as if you think I might move my head away. Well not today, not here and definitely not now. I want you too much to stop. I press my body against yours, loving the contrast between hard plains and soft curves. Moving my body sensuously against yours, sliding my torso, hips, thighs over yours. Feeling all those parts of you I know so well, the parts I've come to know as well as my own in the years we've been together.
My hands soon join in the caressing, moving over your body to begin to free you of your clothing. You growl again and I recognise that growl. It's the impatient one that tells me you need me here and now and nothing will get in the way. I stroke my hand over your zipper and realise you're rock hard, I give an answering growl to your own. Your lips slide from my own and move to my neck, kissing along my jaw to get there. I gasp as you bite me roughly, my fingernails digging into your hips as I feel those lightening bolts of arousal travelling through me once again.
You slowly back me into the kitchen table, so lost in kissing the teeth marks you've left on my neck that you only realise we're there when my ass hits it and I sit on the edge. The evidence of your arousal is unmistakable as you press your hips to mine. I can't help but grind back against the hardness digging into me, desperate to have you inside me and to have you fill me in the way only you can. You're obviously feeling just as urgently aroused because suddenly I'm naked and your shirt lies on the ground ripped down the front. Who'd have thought the sound of clothing ripping could be so arousing?
Before I've had the chance to form a coherent thought you've turned me around and bent me over the table. My breasts press against the cool wood and I begin to rub my nipples against it, enjoying the coolness in stark contrast to my heated skin. I hear your zipper lower and close my eyes as I anticipate your next move. You move closer and this time instead of denim rubbing against my ass I feel your skin. I arch my back, moving my thighs against yours but you're not having any of that.
You press one hand to the middle of my shoulders, gently pushing me back to lie on the table again. Your other hand is wrapped around your shaft I soon find out as you begin to caress the head of your cock over my sex, drawing circles over my clit with it. I moan as I writhe on the table, unable to do anything more as you gently press me to it. I reach my hands forward and grip the opposite edge of the table, fingers curled around it as I pant for breath.
"Please.. please I need you.." I whisper into the table, alternating between being on tiptoe then flatfooted as I try to move my hips against you to get what I want. Your control seems to slip and with another growl you line your cock up with my sex and thrust hard and fast into me. I arch my back, moaning in pleasure as I feel you all the way inside me. You begin to slide in and out of me, hard and fast so I feel my hips dig almost painfully into the edge of the table. The pleasure outweighs the pain as you begin to jackhammer into me, harder and faster until we're both panting and moaning together. The table slowly inches forward with each thrust and reminds me of how hot it sounds to hear the headboard on the wall as you fuck me this hard in bed.
I'm trying to hold back, trying to think of anything but this because it's too amazing to have it end. I should know better. You seem to know me, can read my mind and you growl into my ear "No holding back!" as your hand moves to caress my clit. My hips buck against yours as the orgasm I had barely been suppressing begins to boil up through my body. I close my eyes and moan, arching my back and pressing down onto your cock as if I could close the nonexistent gaps between our bodies.
Your growled "Fuck.." in my ear is the only signal before you orgasm and begin to spill inside me. I moan loudly as I orgasm also, the spasms of pleasure combining with the warmth of your release. I melt onto the table, lying there panting for breath. You fall on top of me and I savour your hot weight against me, the sound of you panting for breath in my ear as you trace kisses over my shoulder. I close my eyes and only move as you move us, curling my body around yours as you pull out a chair for you to sit on and bring me onto your lap. I nuzzle into your neck and whisper "Hmm.. love you always." Smiling as you whisper it back and hold me tightly to your body. This is home. This is where I belong. Any where you are.
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